I’m switching it up a little today and talking about something that’s been weighing on my mind lately…babies! Now that we’re married and Camden is getting older, people keep asking when we’re going to start trying for another baby. I originally thought I wanted to try right away but now my feelings have changed. To be honest, I’m scared. I love our life the way it is right now and how “easy” it is as a family of three. Cam was colicky for almost a year (YES A YEAR!) and it really tested me (and he still tests me of course!). I learned that I’m not as patient as I thought I was and I get stressed VERY easily. I was never diagnosed with PPD but I’m 90% sure I had it.
I can’t really explain it but I was really angry when Cam was a newborn. Angry that my baby cried all day, angry that I had to pump every 3 hours, angry that I was sleep deprived, angry my freedom was gone, angry I couldn’t make last minute plans with my friends anymore, and angry that Kyle went to work and had a “break”. I would text him horrible things like he’s so lucky he gets to leave all day and wasn’t “stuck” at home with a crying baby. It was almost like I resented him – something I’m definitely not proud of.
When I think about having another baby, all those feelings come back and it makes me scared and sad. I know it’s unlikely to have two colicky babies but I just don’t know if I’m ready for the chaos yet. Life feels normal again – we can have stress free outings (for the most part lol), vacations are easy, and Camden is FUN. I seriously love this age and just want to soak it all up. It makes me sad to think about not giving my full attention to Camden. And how will I love another baby as much as I love him? How will I have time or energy or two? Are these feelings normal?! Someone please tell me I’m not crazy…
I guess I don’t know when I want to start trying again (maybe next spring/summer?) and hate that I have to put a time stamp on it. I just don’t think I’m mentally prepared yet. And who knows – maybe I never will be and just have to fight through it? If Kyle had his way, we would probably start trying now! He wants 5 kids, but that’s not happening lol 😉